The SchmOnion Archive Copyright Ray Wilson 2004/2005
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Real Life Software Design Patterns
Everyone who is anyone in the software world knows about design patterns. They are a way to canonize solutions to frequently encountered problems so everyone can spend less time reinventing the sock drawer (wheels you need to reinvent a lot). However, a pattern is also something you repeatedly observe occurring over and over again. With that in mind I introduce Real Life Software Design Patterns.
  • The Bizarro Factory Pattern

    This is the pattern in which you, once again, believe you are in a recurring nightmare. You, once again, find that the person who worked on the code before you was from another planet where strange and unusual ways are commonplace. Maintaining their strange code requires that you read each and every line of each and every file in order to discover the strange interactions and tight coupling joining everything to everything else. This pattern sometimes causes psychotic episodes in which you start to imagine meeting the person responsible and perhaps doing something to them involving a blunt instrument.

  • The Denial of Responsibility Pattern

    This is the pattern in which you worked on the code before and find that you must have been abducted by aliens, forced to use the Bizarro Factory and to think in strange and unusual ways. Maintaining this code requires that you read each and every line of every file in order to discover the strange interactions and tight tight coupling joining everything to everything else. This pattern sometimes causes psychotic episodes in which you start to imagine flogging yourself with a cudgel for being so clever. The solution is to remove your name from all comment blocks and then mentor a less astute co-worker into doing the job for you.

  • The Dumb Ass Pattern

    This is the pattern in which you find that the person who worked on the code before you was a bona fide card-carrying DUMB ASS who should never be allowed near a computer again. Adding any functionality to the code requires that you touch each and every file in the application where you are treated to the dumbest code you have ever seen. You picture a group of children playing with Lego. Most are building houses or cars while the person who would grow up to write this abominable code is trying to jam them into their bodily orifices.

  • The Visitor Pattern

    This is the pattern in which you discover that the visiting consultant who just left to make more money liked to use the Dumb Ass pattern.

Advertising and Turning Debt Into Wealth
I was on my way to work today when I noticed that the radio was giving more airplay to commercials than to content (sometimes it takes me longer to catch on than other people). I was being bombarded with commercials for new windows, carpet, shrubbery, loans, "Turn Debt Into Wealth" programs (more on that later), diamonds and last but not least Paul Harvey himself sold me on Citrical and thoroughy convinced me of his personal concern for the welfare of my skeleton. So I turned off the radio to give my over-advertised brain a break. I pulled into King Soopers gas station for a fill-up and was suprised to discover that what used to be a nice quiet gas pump is now a little television hawking gas additives. I was treated to personal experiences of people whose lives had been enriched by gas additives. As technology continues to shrink will everything become a medium for advertising? Will our shoes start advertising foot powder? Will our beer bottles advertise viagra? Will our viagra bottles advertise condoms? Heaven help us when scientists hired by ad-men figure out how to broadcast advertisements directly into our brains. Sheesh. Be that as it may (and I'm sure it will) the "Turn Debt Into Wealth" program caught my attention because who wouldn't want to turn debt into wealth, I mean really, you'd have to be a complete IDIOT not to want to turn debt into wealth. But on the other hand you would have to be a SMASHINGLY STUPID COMPLETELY BRAINLESS UTTERLY MORONIC TWIT to believe you CAN turn debt into wealth. The ad is like "Hi are you tired of that nagging credit card debt? I can show you how to turn that ugly credit card debt into wealth!" Does his program involve sharpening the edge of the credit card, cutting yourself with it, and then suing the credit card company for their negligence in making sharpenable cards? Maybe its a phone call to the credit card company that goes something like this... "Hello, yes this is Darren Nailbrain, I'd like you to cancel all of my credit card debt and instead replace it with wealth... hello, hello are you doing it yet? I think they're doing it honey. Hello? Well here is my radical plan... PAY YOUR DEBTS AND QUIT SPENDING MONEY YOU DON'T HAVE. Shocking kooky talk to many I know, but I'm willing to bet that my plan will at least turn your debt into... NOT debt, which is NOT bad.

Garfield Cartoon Bores Local Man To Death
John Torporton died Sunday while attempting to glean a bit of humor from his local newspaper. Several panels into the comic section Torporton came upon the lethally boring Garfield cartoon. Witnesses say that when Torporton realized that the gag line consisted of Garfield eating his human owner John's sandwich and taking a nap for the one millionth time he was stricken with such boredom that he died instantly. The surgeon general has ordered newspapers to carry warning labels regarding excessively boring cartoons or face legal action.

Funding Sought to Support Search for "Medium-Sized Foot" In NorthWest
Although many people are skeptical about the existence of "Medium-Sized Foot" I am in the process of seeking grant money to try and film or capture one of the shy brutes that haunt the mountains of the northwest United States. I have both found and photographed the creature's spore and footprints but continue to run up against nay-saying contravening cynics who oppose and try to invalidate my findings. I won't be deterred I know "medium-sized foot" exists and I won't rest until I find one.

United Nations Debates Role of Certs in Society
Kofi Annan led a spirited discussion at the UN to see if the prestegious world body could decide whether Certs is a candy mint or a breath mint. There was more than the usual wrangling and posturing as representatives of country after country tried to persuade their fellows to adopt one view or the other. Certainly Certs are refreshing and do leave your breath minty fresh but who can stop eating them once they start. Retsin was sited by both camps to support their positions. The breath mint people pointed out the chlorophyl aspect of Retsin while the candy mint camp cited the glue aspect (and who hasn't eaten some minty school glue from time to time). When the final tally comes in the Schmonion will be there to let the world know the decision. Of course any civilized person with even a shred of decency and common sense knows which way the wind is blowing when it comes to Certs.

Ray Has Nightmare About Botched Comedy Works Gig Finds Out He Was Wide Awake The Whole Time!
I recently participated in a "comedy" contest at the Comedy Works in Denver. I say "comedy" contest but I think there was some kind of mix-up or something because as it turns out it was either a "vulgarity" or a "depravity" contest, it was hard to decide which. I had the unfortunate luck to draw spot number 10 (of 10) and the nine "comics" who preceded me sand blasted the audience with anatomical joke after anatomical joke. The ninth "comic" decided to bring her male substitution devices (yes two of them) out and joke about her "bad luck" in love and her multiple divorces. I don't know who would not want to be married to someone with such a sense of... humor. Add a liberal dose of alcohol to the audience and now it's my turn. Well needless to say my material which is actually clean and requires conscious thought went over like the proverbial lead balloon. I bombed like a very big bomb bombs. I was a-bomb-inable. Will I do it again? I would say yes under different circumstances and in a different venue but I'm going to make darn sure that it's really a comedy contest next time.

Starbucks Baristas Receive "Room For Cream" Training
The Starbucks corporation has coffee down to a very exact science. I am always in excited anticipation of my first sip as I blindly grope my way to the counter to order my daily venti drip. Lately, however, I have noticed something that has been adding stress to my coffee buying experience. It is the wide range of measurements involving "room for cream". On some days the barista, after inquiring "room for cream?", leaves barely enough room for a thimble full of cream while on others they fill my venti sized cup to about half way as though I'm some kind of a cream hog. Well a little door-to-door petition work and a few thousand signatures and suddenly the corporation is offering "Room For Cream" certification training. Who says democracy doesn't work. So avoid "room for cream" related stress and always ask for a "Room For Cream" certified barista.

Average Joe Feeling Pressure to Develop Personal Branding Strategy
Our advertising oriented culture is having far reaching effects. At first people felt thrilled to march around like willing billboards festooned in the logos of major corporations. Some astute people, however, have seen the writing on the wall and have begun developing their own personal branding strategy. "I decided that I needed my own logo and tagline" said Howard Felberg of Seven Falls, West Virginia. "I started off with 'A day without Howard is like a day without sunshine' but that seemed too corny so I tried 'Ask your doctor about Howard... maybe he's right for you' since alot of other companies are using that angle but it didn't feel right. I thought for a few days and now I think I have it... 'Got Howard?' The logo was a little harder since I'm not very good at drawing so I tried something simple" (Howard displays a large bold plus mark). "The plus symbol is upbeat and positive so I had some cards and shirts made up with the tagline and the logo." Howard told me that he found a ready market for his brand among the homeless of Seven Falls who are now sporting the shirts, spouting the tagline, and handing out the cards to passersby. Get ahead of the curve on this one, start brainstorming now. Don't get left out in the cold without a solid personal branding strategy.

Starbucks Baristas Told "Never Repeat Customer Order the Same Way They Say It"
You have probably been to a Starbucks coffee-house and have tried, in vain, to get your coffee order sequence right hoping that one day the barista would just smile and say "thank you" but that may never happen. In a story that is rocking the coffee-house world, disgruntled Starbucks employees are talking. "They teach us to never repeat the order the same way the customer says it." said Bobby Heckenbrach a former SB barista. If a customer asks for a "venti decaf non-fat two-pump mocha" we'll say "decaf venti two-pump mocha non-fat" back to them. If they then say "OK then decaf venti two-pump mocha non-fat" we'll say "so that's a two-pump mocha non-fat decaf venti." I never felt right doing it but my supervisor told me that over half of the people who come to Starbucks are just trying to get the order sequence right and so its our duty to "mix it up a little."

Top Email Spammer Dies - Hit by US Mail Truck
In an ironic twist of fate an email spammer known as hotstuff@wasteyourtime.net died when a large United States mail truck lost its brakes and went out of control. The poor spammer was crushed between the truck and a concrete bridge abutment. Investigators believe the truck's brakes failed due to the heavier than usual load of bulk mail it was hauling. The spammer was famous for licentious email solicitations and is credited with inventing both the "Remove me please" placebo hyper-link and the much-loved javascript "pop-up" advertisement medium. The spammer will be greatly missed by the spamming community.

Latest Evolution Theory - Man Evolved From Pinocchio-Like Wooden Puppets
In a story that is echoing throughout the scientific world, scientists are now claiming that man evolved from Pinocchio-like wooden puppets. "We believe that the puppets inately aspired to become more human than they were and eventually became completely human" stated Robert Hamblin senior researcher at the Center for the Study of Unusually Uncommon and Very Unordinary Things (CSUUVUT). "The only thing we don't know yet is where the puppets came from but we have a theory for that too" stated Hamblin.

Bar Owner Claims Second Hand Smoke Safe - Maybe Even Good
The owner of "Bob's" a very popular bar in New York City has come to the conclusion that second hand smoke is not nearly as dangerous as the FDA claims and that it may even be good for you. "Recently my employees started to get a little out of line and even got a lawyer to help them get me to provide them with a 'smoke-free' workplace" stated Bob Salinski owner of Bob's Bar. Reportedly Salinski told his employees that the pope came to him in a dream and told him that second-hand smoke was not bad for anyone and was good for some people. Salinski further stated that the FDA's efforts to get people to stop smoking were nothing more than a government plot because they know that cigarettes protect you from the mind rays the government uses to make you pay taxes. Salinski's employees are reportedly thinking it over.